


Strength and Darkness

by H4T08



Series: Behind the Door [17]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Darkness, Episode: s03e02 Flashback, F/M, Holodeck, Janeway/ Tuvok friendship, Mind Meld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 16:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13415142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H4T08/pseuds/H4T08
Summary: “She wears strength and darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell” — Nikita Gill





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set during and after the episode “Flashback.” 
> 
> Very Janeway/ Tuvok friendship heavy.
> 
> Super nervous about this one. Tuvok is an intricate character to write with his mannerisms and specific vernacular.

“I had wondered who had been into my private Holodeck program.” His voice floats like a gentle breeze upon the replicated warm spring day.

She doesn’t even stir when she hears him behind her. “Every time that I had come in here, I always told myself that I would stop. That it was intrusive and downright rude to barge in without your consent.” Digging her toes into the shallow water, she takes childish delight in how it feels to squish the wet sand between her toes.

“What made you come back?”

She bites down on her bottom lip as she tries to concoct some sort of lie to deflect the inevitable conversation that will come if she were to tell the truth.

He settles down next to her and sees her beautiful brow furrowed in anxiety. There, he can see it plainly written across her face. “I miss you too.”

She wraps her arms around her legs and lays her cheek on her knee. “I should have said it first.” She looks over to see him giving her a soft smile. “I keep coming back because this is the only place I feel at home.”

_I’ve felt more at home here than in most places in the Alpha Quadrant_. Yet, he decides not to bring that up. “Well you don’t have to pickpocket your way in anymore. I’ve just added your name to the program.”

She shrugs her shoulders and looks back down at the beach. “It doesn’t take me that long to break in.”

His small laugh catapults them into a silence fraught with tension. He knows why she’s in here, yet he also knows that she has to be the one to talk about it.

Twirling her finger through the sand to make an innocuous design, she murmurs, “Tuvok is suffering from a suppressed memory. For Vulcans, the tension between the need to bring the memory to surface and the intense emotions behind the memory that wants to stay hidden is causing damage his brain.”

“What’s the treatment?”

“A mind meld with a family member.” She looks back at him to see concern pressing against his brow. “I am the closest family member he has on this ship.”

“He can’t mind meld with another Vulcan crewmember?”

“He could, but he chose me.” She bites down on her bottom lip, “I’m going to do it. I’m too worried about him to trust someone he doesn’t know and who he views as a pupil rather than a friend.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you are his only friend.” He stretches his feet out while he leans back against the canoe. “Then I see him trying a variety of foods Nelix cooks up even though we all know not to try it, or I hear from Ensign Wildman that he took Naomi for a few hours so that she could get some sleep after a long shift, or that he counsels Kes on her own growing powers.”

A tear falls from the corner of her eye and is caught by the fabric of her pants. “I don’t want him to die.”

Timidly, he places his hand over her shoulder and gently squeezes, “No one does. I just don’t want you to die in the process either?” A small smile stretches along his cheeks but on the inside he is hurting for her. _She is an incredibly strong person and to see her cry, even one little tear, is hard enough_. His hand slips from her shoulder as he asks, “When will the procedure start?”

“Soon.”

They once again drown in a silence carried against the hum of the machine under them.

She lifts her head but keeps her arms locked around her legs. “I like the canoe you made.”

“Yes, I took some of the suggestions you gave.” His face lights up, brighter than the sun casting their shadows behind them. “Hey! Do you wanna go for a ride?”

His excitement is infectious and his statement is innocent enough, however him huskily uttering the exact same words as an image of them on a similar beach so far away springs to mind. The memory of their bodies twined together, her hips keeping a sensual pace as his fingers trace along her sun-kissed skin, makes her cheeks blush a deep crimson.

Within moments – seconds – the desire to touch her, that has been simmering in the back of his mind, explodes into something carnal and aching to be appeased. And while his own memory is from a different time on a small planet he would have gladly called home, he craves to worship her body like he used to.

The silence between them slithers erotically as if entrancing them to to cave in to their shared desires.

Her concern for Tuvok slips to the back of her mind unnoticed when she sees him licking his lips. _God, I want those lips_. Her thoughts to kiss him possess her. _I want him_. She bites down on her already sensitive lip to remind her of her place as his Captain, not his lover.

“You drive me insane when you bite your lip like that.” His needy fingers reach out to caress her jaw.

Trapped under his hypnotic spell, she meets him inch-for-blessed-inch until she can feel his lips ghosts hers. Yet, at the last second, she turns her cheek. “We shouldn’t.” _Logic prevails, it always does_.

He tips her cheek back towards him with the crook of his finger. “Life is too short.” He closes the distance and kisses her gently, afraid that if he moved too suddenly she would disappear within a puff of smoke. When he pulls back, he is taken by surprise when she wraps her fingers around the back of his neck to pull him into a deeper kiss.

She closes her eyes and pretends — even if it’s just for a moment — that she is back on their beach. Yet, the moment her mind tells her to back away and to blame this little slip up on the stress of Tuvok’s illness, her body straddles overs his with an overwhelming urge to melt into him.

He wraps his arms around her body, allowing his finger tips to reminisce the feel of her curves. _I should stop and ask her if this is what she truly wants, but damn it all to hell, she feels amazing._

Groaning as she presses herself against him, she fumbles with the zipper to his jacket as he dig his fingers underneath the hem of her undershirt in search of the heat of her skin. “Oh, Chakotay,” he finally strikes gold and it electrifies her senses.

“EMH to Captain Janeway, respond please.”

Pulling apart as if a great wave had come between them, Kathryn takes a few deep breaths before tapping her comm badge. “Yes, Doctor, I’m here.”

“Both Mr. Tuvok and I are ready for you.”

“Understood. I’ll be there soon. Janeway out.” Not daring to look at him just yet, she pieces back the stray hair that had come out during their tumble. However, while she stretches her hands behind her head, she realizes that he has yet to remove his own hands from under her uniform. “I have to get going.”

He tries, much to her resistance, to catch her eyes. “I know. I just don’t know when will be the next time I’ll be able to touch you like this.” He sweeps his thumbs along her rib cage before extracting his hands completely. “I wanted to savor it.”

“We shouldn’t have done this.” She lifts her chin to glance at him and instantly regrets it. His eyes are the very essence of warmth, while his plump lips and mused hair screams sex. She bites down on her bottom lip hard to resist the urge to kiss him again.

He gives her a sly grin as his eyes automatically stare down at her mouth, “You don’t believe that.” His hand reaches up from between their bodies and slides the pad of his thumb along her caught lip.

“This is a conversation for a different day.” She lightly kisses his thumb and coyly smiles at his body’s instant reaction. “But I am needed in Sickbay.” Gripping his shoulders, she pushes herself up and makes her way over to the bench where her shoes and socks are.

He stays seated against the hull of the canoe, but his eyes never leaves the curves he has dearly missed and secretly coveted. “We will be having that conversation, Kathryn. If anything, you owe it to yourself.”

Seeing him like that, his relaxed boyish smile mixed in with his rugged good looks, the lightness, that has been absent from her soul since the moment they stepped onto the bridge as Captain and Commander, flourishes through her body. Intoxicated by the brightness that seeps out from every pore, she finds herself answering back, “Yes.” Standing from her seat, she gives him one more smile before turning towards the exit.

“Have dinner with me,” he calls out after her. _It’s a shot in the dark and I know it, but it’s better than nothing_.

Glancing over her shoulder with little stray hairs wiping along her cheek by the wind, she tells him, “I'll see you later.” Walking down the path through the trees, she makes sure that all the sand is wiped away before stepping back into the corridor.

Watching her leave with the soft sway of her hips, he pushes the heel of his hands down into the malleable sand and silently calls out to his ancestors for a prayer that he will soon understand the path to take.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Folding his hands back into the sleeves of his cloak, the darkness lets out a conceited chuckle. “You might be surprised at how well you played your part in my resurgence.”

“Good evening, Captain.” Tuvok steps aside. “Do come in.”

“How are you feeling?” Kathryn steps over to his table and stares down at the blocks.

“I am functioning adequately.” He holds out his hand to invite her to sit in the chair opposite of him. “Your headaches have yet to subside, am I correct?”

“Yes,” she looks to him with brows furrowed with confusion, “how did you know?”

“Our minds have made a connection to one another. The pain that I have felt from you is only a fraction of what you experience, however, it is enough to be concerning.”

“Are you now able to read my thoughts and emotions?”

“Vulcans are telepathic in nature, however, we have been taught from a young age to expunge the urge to trespass into another’s mind. Most find it to be intrusive as well as difficult to purge the intense emotions that come with the abrasive act.”

She reaches over and fiddles with one of the left over blocks, “What are your suggestions?”

He connects his fingers tips in thought before saying, “I suggest that you allow me one more time to meld with you so that I can see why your mind is not healing properly.”

“And you believe this will help cut the string that is still bridging our minds?”

“Unfortunately with such an…,” he stumbles for the appropriate word, “intimate act, the string that you refer to will never be severed completely. The mind meld I am going to be performing is to investigate why your mind has yet to heal.”

“What is the normal healing time?”

“Unknown. Typically, when a Vulcan and a human perform the mind meld, it during an intimate act between two mates and, therefore, considered intrusive to ask of such information. With other notable cases, such information was never recorded or maintained.”

She flicks her wrist between the both of them, “Yet, you believe it can be fixed?”

He nods his head, “Yes, Captain.”

 _I trust him implicitly_. “Very well.” Sitting up straight and leaning forward, just like he had showed her in Sickbay, she gives him a small smile before saying, “I’m ready when you are.”

Meeting her in the middle, he places his fingers on the specific pressure points to initiate the meld. “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts.”

Instantly, Tuvok is taken to a dark corridor; dirty, it’s walls smeared with dark red stains. The smell of human desire drenches the air as disturbing sounds of torture and sobbing reverberates against the walls. A cold shiver runs along his spine as a bone chilling draft lingers over his exposed skin.

Tuvok takes a deep breath and reviews in his surrounds further. There, glowing bright against the horrific surroundings, is a thin golden thread. Reaching out, warmth spreads through his fingers when he touches it. _Janeway, Kathryn; Serial Number SO-782-472_.

Instantly letting go, he confirms that he is in her subconscious.

 _Yet, why did it take me here?_ Choosing to follow the thin cable in the direction that it brightens, he ascertains to commit every detail to memory.

“Why are you here?”

Turning towards the voice, Tuvok stares down the dark corridor. “Who are you?”

Slithering out from underneath the shadow, a caliginous figure draped in a tattered black cloak, greets Tuvok. “You are not welcomed.”

Tuvok squints his eyes as he takes a step forward. “Are you hindering her mind from healing?”

Out from under its hood, a sinister smile plays upon its cheeks, “I remind her that her choices have consequences to them. I am the shadow in her soul. Though, she has tried to extricate me at various times, I have remained present with the truth that she will never be happy again.”

“How long have you been here?”

Throwing his hand out, the door closest to Tuvok springs open.

Curious as to what this darkened creature wants him to see, he instantly regrets it when he sees a younger version of the Captain, his friend, spread over the desk while a man, darkened from sight to mask his true identity, assaults her. Closing his eyes, Tuvok meditates his mind to expunge the bitter emotion from witnessing such an image.

“You wish to sever this connection,” the darkness strolls to the man claiming to be a friend. “I will never allow such a thing.” Touching his forehead with the tip of his gnarled finger, he closes his eyes, “The son of a proud Vulcan family, born into privilege, revered by the people around you. Your parents sent you off to Starfleet when they saw prideful emotions emanating from your subconscious. When you came back to Vulcan a failure, you buried yourself in self-righteous teachings.”

Strong emotions of hatred and deceit fill his mind as the memories of his youth invade him.

The darkness grins as he takes pleasure from his discomfort. “Now, with so much distance between you and the ones you hold most dear, you find yourself with those same feelings threatening to bubble to the top. You hate Kathryn as much as you hated your father.”

“No!” Pushing away from the darkness that has nearly converged over his body, Tuvok takes a deep breath. “You thrive on such feelings of hatred and animosity and, while I may not know why or how you came into existence in Kathryn’s subconscious, I will do everything in my power to make sure you will remained imprisoned in one of these cells until the day you parish.”

Folding his hands back into the sleeves of his cloak, the darkness lets out a conceited chuckle. “You might be surprised at how well you played your part in my resurgence.”

Tuvok furrows his brow, curious as to the meaning behind his words. “I will find a way to rid you.”

“Good bye, Tuvok.”

Opening his eyes and quickly dropping his hands into his lap, Tuvok takes a deep breath in through his nose. That same tiny seed of fear that he had felt when he first traipsed through her subconscious is still lodged in his throat. Swallowing past it, he mentally calculates the correct meditation to help alleviate such an emotion from his body.

Kathryn, unbeknownst as to what Tuvok saw, opens her eyes to find him staring at her with such an intensity that she feels she has to look away. “Were you successful?”

 _Meditation_. His mind screams. _I need meditation before I can continue_. “Unknown, Captain.”

In all her years of knowing him, she has never seen him this shaken up before. “Should I leave?” _I know how he values his privacy._

“I do not wish to be rude, however, I require meditation.” When she quietly stands from her chair, his hand darts out and gently grabs her arm. “May I confer with you tomorrow night after our duty shift.”

She glances down at his hand before nodding. _I was going to invite Chakotay for dinner, but I can postpone_.

Feeling this minuscule pinprick of lightness burst through the images he has seen through her subconscious, he is curious as to what caused it.

“Sleep well, Tuvok.” She slips her arm from his grasp and makes her way out of his quarters.

Lighting the candle, he endeavors himself to strengthen his mental capacity for the the conversation he will have to have with her the following night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noticing such strong emotions crossing his normally cool features, she timidly reaches out to place a comforting hand over his knuckles, but pulls back at the last minute.
> 
> Essentially, I had contributed to the demise of her happiness by inviting the darkness in on the curtails of command. “I take blame in that decision, and for it, I am extremely sorry.” Unlike most human emotions, Vulcans are not immune to shame. Feeling it flare inside him, he sequesters it and swallows it whole.

Finally being able to settle down onto her couch, Kathryn let's a big sigh pass through her lips. After the flurry of activity since her last mind meld with Tuvok, she steals a few minutes of relaxation before Tuvok is to come.

—Beep, Beep—

Slowly peeping open one eye, she takes a deep breath and pushes herself up, “Come.”

“Good evening, Captain.” Stopping just after crossing the threshold, Tuvok stops and studiously takes in the Captain’s haggard appearance. Tilting his chin to the side and bowing his head in concern, he murmurs, “I can come back at a time that is more convenient.”

Just as he is about to back away into the corridor, she holds up her hand and yells after him, “No, wait!” Sensing his hesitation, she softly adds with a flick of her wrist, “Please, my friend, sit down.”

Taking a moment to think over his options, he decides to relent to her invitation, citing that the need to discuss with her his assessment of what he saw the previous night is far greater important than her comfort. Sitting in the chair opposite of the couch, the darkness that he witnessed during their last meld still troubles him.

_You might be surprised at how well you played your part in my resurgence_. That one singular statement has been replaying numerous times in his mind, driving him to her quarters with the need to ask such impertinent questions.

Noticing his brow being suppressed by anxiety, she gives him a small smile, “Have you come to finish our meld from last night?”

“No.” He schools his features to an indifference that he has come to perfect during his time in Starfleet. “I have come to see how you are progressing in your healing.”

Giving him a small smile, she bobs her head side to side as she answers, “I still have a slight headache, but you can still feel it through our connection, can’t you?”

“No. With my unsuccessive attempt to lessen our connection and to speed your healing, I spent the majority of my time last night in meditation to help close my mind from your mind.” _I actually spent the majority of my night contested in a battle of wills over what my next logical step should be after seeing such disturbing imagery. However, I do not need to disclose that unless deemed absolutely necessary._

She notices a slight crack in his armor, which is extremely peculiar for her Vulcan friend. Yet, she holds off on the inquisition. “How are you feeling?”

With a raise of his eyebrows, he neatly informs her, “Within normal parameters.”

After a moment of precarious silence, she asks, “Are you sure you're okay? You seem….,” her brow furrows in concern, “distracted, which is a word I would never use to describe you.”

With the flare of his nostrils as the only sign of his discomfort, he grits his teeth as he wisely thinks about the course of this delicate conversation. “I must admit that after having some time to ponder what I had seen when we had last melded, I confess that I am concerned with the imagery.”

“Enough to mutiny against me?” It was meant to be a joke, to help defuse the anxiety that is blanketing the room, but as the last word leaves her lips, she mentally berates herself on her carelessness. _Vulcans can never get the delivery of a sarcastic joke and I should know that by now._

Concerned for her rash statement, he postulates that she was making a poor joke in his favor. _Nonetheless_ … “Never. However illogical it is to say ‘never’ to a permeable situation that has yet to happen, it is highly doubtful that I would ever consider a mutiny against you.”

Gripping her chin with the pad of her thumb and smoothly running her fingers over her lips, after a quiet moment, she confides, “As weird as this sounds,” she jerks her fingers in his direction, “I think that is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me.”

Resisting the natural urge to roll his eyes at her coy statement, he tries to steer the conversation back to where he had imagined it would already be as of now. “Last night, when we initiated a mind meld, I witnessed something that is, what you might characterize as frightening, to say the least.” The emotional adjective leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

Still unsure of where this conversation is leading to, she gives him her undivided attention.

“When I asked for your mind to reveal where you have yet to be healed, I had been sent to your subconscious. What I found…,” he stops, unsure if he should continue.

_Now I understand…_ “You found a darkness,” she tries in vein to not cower away. _No wonder he has been acting a little stand-offish towards me._

“Your subconscious – your soul, if you will – took the shape of a prison of some sort. Normally, with the majority of humanoid species, there is a darkness or a shadow that resides in all. It is typically flexible in nature, grows with the amount of stress, deflates at the image of a loved one.”

She bites down on her bottom lip.

Sensing the stress levels in her rising, he ignores the temptation to stop by softening his voice. “Yet, the one that resides in you took the form of something cruel. It never deflated, never wavered; it was taunting as if it knew it had your soul under lock and key.”

Shrugging her shoulders, she at first tries to brush off his concerns, “It has been there for a long time. I have learned to live with it.” She glances up to see pity etched in his eyes. _I don't need his fucking pity_. “Besides, I have known you for a long time. You don’t believe in such absurd and obscure things.”

Reading her exposed thoughts as if they were being written on her sleeve, he states, “I do not pity you, Captain, but the animosity I witnessed is concerning and it certainly is not absurd or obscure.” He lifts his brow in contemplation when he notices her disbelief, “This is where Vulcans tend to disagree. Some believe that our subconscious or soul is a living, breathing entity where as others view it as an organ used by the mind to deceive logic.”

“And you believe the former?”

“I do, however, the Vulcans who believe in the latter argue that we are being misguided by the ideology of other species.” When she does not reply back, Tuvok strengthens his mind, as well as his resolve, and begins, “I hate to pry into your personal thoughts—”

“Too late,” she mumbles under her breath.

He, again, ignores her crude remark. “—However, it is from my understanding that the darkness, such as this, fears the light. As your advisor but, more importantly, as your friend, I feel I must ask; what makes you happy?”

_What the… A Vulcan asking someone about their happiness is about as common as a pig flying with rainbows shooting out of its ass_. “Pardon, me?”

Tilting his head to the side, he explains, “I understand that as a Vulcan, we are impervious to feelings of happiness or sadness, however, that does not mean that they do not exist for you or any other human on this ship.”

_The only man that is strong enough – bright enough – to drive the darkness away just by his sheer presence is also the same one Tuvok had explicitly discouraged me from seeing on a personal level_. She shrugs her shoulders, “Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore.”

He knew this would happen, he had calculated it within the reasonable permutations of how this conversation would venture based off of observations he had seen with her family members. Knowing that, he is quick with his retort, “I disagree with you. If you know what makes you happy, you should pursue it with the fiercest of hearts. It is the only weapon you have that will combat this consuming darkness inside you.”

“And if I can't have it?” _Mainly because you forbid it_ , she stubbornly finishes.

He squints his eyes and reasons as if it is the most natural answer, “Then you fight for it with every ounce of strength until you have it.”

Silence volleys between them as their stubbornness stifles the already cramped air.

Tuvok is the first to relent. “Captain…,” His mental abilities are weakening slightly, but he prevails. _I have to_. “Kathryn, I have known you longer than anyone in this Quadrant. I have been privileged to see you at your best and to consult you at your worst. It is to my understanding that this darkness has resided in you for as long as I have known you.”

Crossing her arms, she looks off over his shoulders.

The sight of her depraved body being assaulted weakens him further, yet the need to help her break through whatever that is that has her chained is greater. “It is my conclusion that if it will take us seventy years to return to the Alpha Quadrant, then the stress placed upon you combined with that unrelenting darkness will cause you to make rash decisions and hurried judgements. You must know that there is nothing more dangerous than a captain who is not in their right mind.”

Hitting an already raw nerve, she coolly looks back at him and blurts out, “Chakotay makes me happy.”

Silence, once again, permeates the dry air between them.

Dropping his chin to his chest, he breathes through his nose to help calm the spiral of emotions at such a statement and her consequent refusal to look away from him. _This – right here – is the part I abhor the most in conversations like these. The expectation and odds of the various answers she could have given me and actually receiving the one I was not prepared to hear._

_“Yet, you should have known,” a sinister voice murmurs in his mind. “Or possibly you were too proud of the fact that she can find happiness over duty.”_

Tuvok folds his hands together in his lap. _He is somehow breaking through the barrier I had set. I must remain vigilant and to complete what I have set out to accomplish._

Noticing his shoulders sag a tiny centimeter, she murmurs, “With our time on New Earth, I was able to realize that only he could ostracize that darkness from my mind. Now that we are back and we have had to reevaluate our relationship, the darkness has returned in full force.”

_You might be surprised at how well you played your part in my resurgence_. Those words spoken to him with glee, strengthens the barbaric emotions pressing against the top of his mouth. _And to make these already strained matters worse, I had a hand in the reevaluation component._

Noticing such strong emotions crossing his normally cool features, she timidly reaches out to place a comforting hand over his knuckles, but pulls back at the last minute.

_Essentially, I had contributed to the demise of her happiness by inviting the darkness in on the curtails of command_. “I take blame in that decision, and for it, I am extremely sorry.” Unlike most human emotions, Vulcans are not immune to shame. Feeling it flare inside him, he sequesters it and swallows it whole.

However, she caught a glimpse of it before he could rid himself of it. Licking her dry lips, she confesses, “I had made the decision before returning to Voyager.”

Pressing his lips together in a thin, white line, he once again feels shame fester along his skin. Feeling dirty – contaminated – he cannot help but to bite back, “It is kind of you to say something that will hinder my feelings to be hurt, but I must remind you that I have no feelings to hurt.” The mental block he had placed on his mind before coming is beginning to crumble. The image of that caliginous cloak gripping onto their connection plays in his mind. _I cannot allow him to use our connection. I must reevalu—_

“Are you in love with T’Pel?”

Her impertinent question throws him into a tailspin and, in return, he distractedly offers, “Although the feeling of love is a human emotional response, the physical response that one has towards their mate is present.”

She tilts her head to the side, silently asking him to speak the truth he has been asking her to do since walking in.

_I have imposed her with numerous personal questions and for the most part, she has answered them truthfully. I should endeavor to do the same._ “T’pel’s voice is soothing when it seems there is a crowd in my head. Her presence calms me far greater than all of the meditation techniques I have been taught. When I sleep at night, I think of only her. She guides my actions, facilitates my thoughts, and consoles me when the strictest of mediations has failed. In essence, we are one. And even though this vast amount of space has distanced us, I sense her presence will always be with me until the day I die.”

Mouth slightly ajar, “I hope you told her that,” she barely murmurs through her fingers that are glued to her lips.

He shakes his head in confusion, “I do not need to tell her something she already has knowledge of.” His thoughts of his wife – _my beloved_ – brightens the bleakness that had compressed against his chest. _And, while my mental abilities are not as strong as they were when I came in here, I am better able to complete the rest of this necessary conversation._

A crooked smile dances along her lips when she quips, “Then I think you should look into writing Vulcan love poetry.” Her thoughts instantly conjures a memory of her and Chakotay laying underneath the stars on a beach so far away. “That was beautiful what you said about her.”

“Are you in love with Commander Chakotay?” Even though he has closed his mind to their connection, he can still sense her happiness break through.

“Yes.” Her answer was so quick, as if it had become second nature to view their relationship with love coloring over her eyes instead of lust.

Once again lifting his brows, he murmurs to himself, “A reasonable assumption since he is the only one to rid your mind of that kind of darkness.”

She gives him a soft smile, “Yes.”

He takes a moment to postulate the variables in this relationship. _While the focus of her happiness is attainable, there are various factors that can lead to the demise of both Voyager and the Captain herself_. His lips set in a grim, tight line he mutters under his breath, “It is rather unfortunate.”

Feeling the lick of anger whipping along her cheeks, she sneers, “Why?”

Sensing her anger boiling to the top, he attempts to quell them, “Not for the reason you are thinking. After being in the Delta Quadrant for two years, I have come to the conclusion that Commander Chakotay respects you and your leadership. In seeing that accountability in him and the way he has presented himself as a valued member of this crew, the chances of him violating your trust is minimal at best.”

She leans forward with the roll of her eyes, “Then why do you still resist the idea of us being together?”

“I do not resist the idea of Kathryn and Chakotay cultivating a relationship, I am resistant to the knowledge that those same two people hold the key positions of Captain and First Officer on the only Starfleet vessel so far from the Alpha Quadrant.”

A small laugh escapes her lips, “It was that reason that I had resisted for so long.”

“What helped you change your opinion?”

“A multitude of reasons,” she cryptically murmurs. “On a small planet we were doomed to live out the rest of our lives, he helped me see that I could choose happiness over everything else, that is wasn’t selfish or wrong to let him into my heart.”

“And then we proceeded to rescue both you and the Commander from your own created eden,” he finishes for her.

She bites down on her lip and winces in pain at how bruised it has become in the past few days. “With all that you have heard, do you still find our relationship unfortunate?”

“To a certain extent, yes.” He goes on the explain his reasoning, “When you are at you maximum stress tolerance level, I have noticed that you tend to push the people you love away.”

Furrowing her brow, she says, “But, I—”

He holds up his hand to stop her interruption and continues, “When I had contacted your sister about your miscarriage, she instantly came to your side. Being sisters and previously observing a strong bond between the two of you, I had thought you would have accepted her support. I was dismayed that you had done the complete opposite. It was at that moment I realized that when others around you are in a disarray, you are the first to console them, yet, the moment you need a guiding hand, you push them away.”

The mention of both her sister and her miscarriage in one blow has her speechless.

“If you were to become involved with the Commander and an incident were to occur where you would push him away with enough force, it would have compelling repercussions on both the command structure and the crew of this vessel. I do not need to tell you that the chances of reaching the Alpha Quadrant will be exponentially less without a strong command team.”

Taken back by his brazen analysis, she couldn't help the sarcastic drip to seep into her voice as she tightly affirms, “So in a nutshell, if I don't do anything about my feelings for Chakotay, then Voyager will be fated to a crazed captain hellbent on being destroyed. If I begin a personal relationship with him and consequently push him away, as I am prone to do, then our chances of getting home drastically drops with the demise of our working relationship?” Shaking her head as she throws herself against the back cushion of the couch, she sighs, “Wow, Tuvok, way to lay it on thick.”

Lifting one brow in curiosity, he murmurs, “I can see that Mr. Paris’ knack for emotional aphorisms is shifting onto you.”

Matching his stance with the added bonus of her arms crossing along her chest, she quips back, “Well, I've been given a no win scenario from my most trusted advisor. Do you want me to thank you?”

Bowing his head to concede, he continues with his assessment, “As I see it, there are two options afforded to you. One; you can continue to ignore your feelings for the Commander and I can mentor you in completing meditation rituals that will help strengthen your mind.”

Resisting the need to roll her eyes to kingdom come, she slowly drawls out, “Or two?”

“Two; you can allow the Commander’s lightness in.” Holding up a finger, he punctuates his statement by adding, “I do caution you, though, that if this is the route you choose, then I suggest you are completely honest with him. If you lead him astray, even in the slightest, then the second scenario will play out long before we reach the outer boarders of the Alpha Quadrant.”

Leaning forward with her elbows resting on her knees, she holds her chin in one hand and idly scratches at the surface of her knee with her other. _Vulcan meditation or giving in to a relationship that I know would be looked down upon by Starfleet Command and others on this ship. What's a girl to do?_ “And these are my only two options?”

He concedes with a slight bow of his head. “At least for the time being.”

“Are you going to continue to spy on us?” The question is out in the air before she can even stop it. Embarrassment stings her cheeks as she finds the same emotion mirrored in the face sitting across from her.

_I have estimated that my meditation time for this evening has now risen to three hours_ , Tuvok concludes as he quells the discomfort in his chest. “It is my understanding that you would wish to keep your relationship to yourselves; if you were to choose that option. I can help to alleviate the stress placed upon you in that specific area. However, I will not do so unless you order me to.”

“Let me think on it.” Lifting her chin at how her words can be misconstrued, she clarifies with a small smile on her lips, “The relationship, not the spying.”

Sensing that his time with her has come to an end, he stands from his chair and says, “Very well. Then I shall take my leave and not impose any more on your personal time. Good night, Captain.”

“You know,” she calls out just before he gets to the door, “If it's any consolation, you are the bestest friend I have in any quadrant.”

He turns slightly towards her.

“I know you don't experience emotions like humans, however, I would be remised if I didn't apologize for pushing you away when you have caught me in a stressful spot. This darkness that has lived inside me has been there for a long time and it is unfortunate that I now greet him more as an old friend rather than a cursed enemy to be destroyed. I don't know what our future holds, but having your approval – your support – means everything to me.” Bowing her head and pretending to wipe her forehead to hide the tears that have floated to the surface, she takes a deep breath to keep her emotions at bay. “Thank you.”

Never enjoying the sight of her tears, he remembers what his old mentor had told him when he had gone through his own journey into self awareness, “The darkness will conquer only if you let it. Good night, Captain.”


End file.
